How to Say No to Your Mother

An Exercise in Establishing Healthy Boundaries.

One of the things I do as a Coach for Women, is help them establish healthy boundaries.  It would take patience and time for them to really get it and to uphold those boundaries from a place of love and integrity.  Not just self-love, but for love of the other person and love for the situation. 

Well, a few years ago I found a shortcut!  My youngest son (age 31 at the time), would do ANYTHING for me. Grant it, I never asked for much. This one day he was in my office just visiting before going to his night job. I asked if he would come by the house the next evening and help me move a piece of furniture. The look on his face stunned me. You would think I had just asked for his first born.  He said, “ah man, does it have to be tomorrow?” I said yeap, I really needed it done right away, what’s up?  With head hung down, he said, “I just can’t do it tomorrow.” He went on, painfully, telling me that because he worked nights, and his wife worked days, they only had a few hours of quality time together each day and that was really important to him.

I was so proud of my baby boy standing up to his mama.  I could see how painful that was for him to say, “no” to me so I told him I’d find another way, and what an amazing man he has become to put his wife and family first. He could have easily made up any other excuse, but he didn’t. He said no and owned it. 

This reminded me of how painful it was the first time I said no to my mother. It was a conscious choice. She lived alone, only a few blocks away, and would call me often to run to the store for her. I had a family to care for and her continued request to run errands was becoming a problem. I mustered up the courage – took a few months – and one day, she called and I said, no. She asked why and I told her I was busy – no details, just busy. She was highly upset but got recovered by the next day.  It became easier and easier for me to manage my time and tell her no when I needed to.

Once it was easy to say no to my mother, everyone else was a piece of cake! When was the last time you LOVINGLY denied a request from your mother?

If you have trouble with boundaries, I assure you this exercise will help:

1.      Get really CLEAR about what you don’t want to do, or don’t like doing.

2.      Make a list of those things you don’t want to do - things people may be expecting of you.

3.      Focus on the first item on your list, take a deep breath in, get still, relax, now pretend your mother asking you to do it.

4.      Image yourself LOVINGLY saying, “I wish I could, but I just can’t do that right now.” Don’t worry if you need to justify it, sweeten it up, tell a story, or whatever – just say no in whatever way you are able in the moment.

5.      Now go down your list and repeat this exercise with each item on your list.

You will get so good at LOVINGLY saying no, that the “reasons” will fade away and all that will be left is, “No,” without the bs, without the guilt, without hesitation. And wala – boundaries installed for good.

En-joy and Inner Peace,

Wanda Marie